Life is Funny Like This....

It's so weird to me how people have come in and out of my life. Even the one's I've pushed away or had to push away have made their ways back. Lately I've been feeling like I'm back on the same path I was a couple years ago. This full circle pattern is pretty confusing to figure out, but it also is settling. I remember being so focused and hungry for life, and becoming the person that I wanted to be. It seems along the road that I chose I lost myself for a time. I couldn't say why, my fate I think took me on a curve when I should've stayed on the road directly ahead of me. I've been stressed out, mostly brought on by my own bad decisions. But, I've also been pretty bored with my life. I've gotten into this monotonous routine and had my energy sucked by my 9 to 5 grind. It feels like there's no escaping what I've been facing with every day that comes. I'm looking for something new and exciting to help me climb out of this hole that I'm in. But, everything that I include myself in seems to not fill whatever it is that's missing inside of me. I'm not sure where I need to go, or what I need to. I've been lying low for quite awhile, not really even being in contact with those closest to me. I shut alot of people off simply because I don't want to pass my negativity onto anyone else. So, I've been bottling up all of the emotions I have inside of me. Hoping that eventually they will subside on their own with time. I might not ever feel the same again though, and it's just the reality of what I've been through. I've been thinking about the past from time to time wishing I could apologize for all the people that I hurt or brought unnecessary drama upon. I've done so much dirt my cuticles still hold the particles. And I know there's no way to erase any of my actions, so I have to let the past be what it is. It's a struggle for me to move past what I can never forget. It keeps me up at night wondering where I went wrong within myself. I haven't come to any definitive answers, and I don't know that I will. It's a balancing act, this life that I have lead. On one side is the love that I have now, and the love that I had or thought I had before. I can't decide if my heart lead me astray, or if in fact I chose correctly and in the end ruined what was best for me all along. Where does love go when you lose it? I tend to think that I have kept it stored away, but my heart still feels empty without it. I realized that I'm the type of person that needs to love someone, no matter the type of love. Which is funny to me, because I'm not in the grand scheme of things really that great at it. My last 2 relationships were to me as real a love as I thought I could find. But after a certain point I lost both of them, and yet I still hold onto both of them. Not necessarily the relationships themselves, but how I felt when I was in the relationships. Love escapes me, it slips out in the middle of the night without a note left. I crumble without it in my grasp, and dive into worlds that I never belonged in. I have and have created so many vices when I've been trying to distract myself from love lost. I wonder why God has such a sense of humor. Seems like I'm the butt of all his jokes.....

Holding My Head To The Sky....

Been awhile since I posted any thoughts, mainly because life has taken me away. Alot of things that were regular in my life have changed, and alot of the previous things have remained the same. I've made some bad choices and have had to face the consequences of my actions. It's been a very humbling last couple of weeks for me. God has a purpose for everything that happens, at least that's what i believe although I hardly ever understand the path he's marked for me. 'Mysterious ways' has turned into a cliche' for me as I sit somewhat dumbfounded by what lessons I'm supposed to be learning currently. Even in the hard times though I still have my people to hold me down. I'm glad that through my self-induced tribulations that those that have been a constant in my life these last couple of years remain. I've burned bridges with those I hold close though, mostly out of weakness. Every morning the sun rises, but every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror. Some mornings I recognize who the mirror reflects, but there's mornings where I blink twice at the person I've become. Life is funny so I keep my sense of humor, but I cry inside at where I have arrived at in my life currently. I am a survivor, at least so far I've made it through all of the storms I've faced. Even with the strength I carry inside of me I still have doubts about weathering these dark clouds covering my existence. I have loved and lost so many times that it makes me think that I'm not meant to keep it in my life. I ruin myself trying to hold so tightly to who I love, that when I'm left with nothing and no one I struggle to handle the patchwork for my soul. Have you ever loved someone too much? It doesn't seem possible, but I've seen it first hand. I long to be loved, but at the same time I become complacent. It's the gift and the curse coming right back on me I guess. My eyes are focused on the furthest road now. Because I know that all of this stress and heartache I've placed on myself will never consciously be erased, so the only move for me is forward. And the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, in fact it's more of a flicker in a steep wind. I push towards words and they tend to come in a flurry with me. With each verse though I still feel the emptiness deep inside of me. I wonder if I ever will recover enough to fill a portion of what is missing from me right now. I'm cynical and optimistic at the same time by nature. While one half of me wants to shut down all hope, the other half of me wakes up at dawn passing out inspiration. Am I really doomed? I think that with time all will be healed, but I also know that all that I have done and been through will never be taken back. There's no way to hop into the Delorean and make my past different. I am not by any margin Marty McFly, there's no floating skateboard in my repetoire. Just these feet to continue marching through these quiet streets....

Shameless Plug and Etc.

So, June 6th I released my latest project to the masses, well the internet masses at least. Project is called "File Cabinet Flows" Part One, and it consists of 16 tracks i've recorded over the last couple of months. You can download it from these links for FREE, yes i know FREE.



http://rapidshare. com/files/120504951/File_Cabinet_Flows_Part_One. zip. html

https://download. yousendit. com/7DC771A415B0B8B8

Pleased to announce also that my wife will be back in the states in probably about a week, and home to me on the 21st of this month. It's getting exciting after nearly 8 months of not seeing her. Life is about the time you spend with the people you are closest to while you can, and I have a lot of missed time to make up for.

And make sure you come out to our 80's party on the 21st as well. Wear 80's gear and get in free, don't and it costs $10. Dj's will be spinning 80's music all night so get your requests ready. My crew, The Soul Providers will also be performing throughout the night.

Love.Live.Life.

Where Did Time Go?

Seems like May went by in a flash, at least to me. Days at work always drag, and lately they've been about the most boring hours of my life. But, outside of work time goes by like someone cracked open the hour glass. I've been busy and distracted, more so distracted, by my life. Paying bills and arranging plans for my wife's return are the two biggest missions I've faced. I'm hoping that everything will work out in the end to how I've played it out in my head. I daydream I think more than any human. My mind is like a deleted scenes menu on your favorite DVD. I play different situations out over and over again till I've exhausted every possible result. Maybe I just spend too much time thinking.

The music is kicking back into gear for the month of June. I finalized my latest project, "File Cabinet Flows" Part One, about a week and a half ago. It's set to be released on the 6th of June. I'm excited to hear and see the feedback for it. It's been over a year since I dropped "Soul Of The Movement" Volumes One and Two, so hopefully I will have a strong return. We (Soul Providers) have two crew shows this month, our usual Block Party on First Fridays, and an "80's" party on the 21st. I'm most looking forward to the latter, because my wife is flying back in town that day. It'll be the first time since i think February of 2006 that she'll be at a show with me. Crazy to think it's been that long, but life is funny like that. I'm still behind on my list of tracks to record, which is something I might not ever catch up on. If I could record everything I write on the spot, it wouldn't be a problem. I like the challenge though of trying to get as many tracks out to people as possible. I was hoping with this time back home that I'd be able to accomplish more, but with life and gas prices I haven't. It's all motivation in the end. Gives me something to remain hungry for. Now that my project is finished I'll start back working on my Lp. All of the writing is and has been finished for months, although i'm not yet half-way through the recording process. It's been a journey, which is good because it will make the final product that much more enjoyable for everyone.

It's crazy to think my son is 3 and a half now. I don't know if that makes me feel older or not. He's grown so much in the last year it's amazing to me. He's completely self-sufficient, and it's pretty scary actually. He acts like a grown man, so I treat him like one. I can't wait for his mother to see all the changes in him, although I'm worried she might not even recognize because of how much he's grown in the last 7 months. It will be an interesting reunion to say the least....

What's Wrong With a Little Swagger....

Now I'm not an advocate of people who walk around and think they're for lack of a better term, "unfuckwittable". You know the cats you see in the place to be who swear they're "that dude", but don't have any real reason to have those thoughts. Or the females who act seditty to every guy who approaches them on the dancefloor, when they're grinding off rhythm to every song....

"Girl I'm trying to help YOU out"....

I am a firm believer in keeping it all the way real though, because alot of people these days are suspect. If your bills are late every month because you want to buy the bar everytime you and your boys go out, that's not swagger that's stupid. How dope are you when you're sitting in your crib with candles lit? When you're asking your girl....

"Let me hold something till the 1st?"....

Now don't get me wrong swagger is necessary these days, especially with all these hate birds flying around. But you have to use it in moderation, otherwise you kill the whole scene. And swagger comes in many different substances. It's not just walking around all day like you're the illest to ever walk the Earth. You have to find your personal swagger and mold it to fit you. Don't be the outspoken life of the party type if your really the laid back let everything come to you type. And ladies, confidence and swagger is attractive when used properly. like my man Phonte said,

"She's not conceited she just act stuck up, to weed out the fuck ups"--("Delusional")

Which means don't shut em all down but keep your standards. And me personally I can't stand women with low self-esteem.

Sidebar to my dudes: Why is it the dopest girls are always the one's with low self-steem, and the mudd ducks are always the one with they head in the clouds?. Like,

"That's a dope fit ma, but NOT ON YOU"....

When my wife's on my arm, (3 Weeks and counting) she has that attitude that she knows she's killing em. (Reference 'Get Enough' on my Myspace)

"Walk is mean so fluid in jeans, you are the movement i'm foolish when choosing to speak"....

But, she also knows she doesn't need to say a word about it. That my friends is swagger.

The moral of the story is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having swagger. I have it, you should have it, and everybody you run with should have it. But, at the same time BE YOURSELF (shout to M.Port'd Flows. Pittsburgh stand Up!). And if you don't have swagger right now, that's cool too. For some people it takes time to develop, and some times life tries to take it away from you. HOLD TIGHT TO YOUR SWAGGER.

Love. Live. Life.

You're Not A Thug: An Observation

keep it real homie i dont need to pull the card,

this city is too small for you to swear you run the block,

and i know you well at least who you used to be,

you were always a square type now you movin b,

why you at the spot w/ a stance,

you hard bc that Jeezy they playing has your posture amped,

funny bc i know you've never even been ina fight,

and altho you carry one you've never pulled your gun to ignite,

i dont understand why you would choose it,

might as well put blanks in the clip if you ain't gonna shoot it,

got goons around so you feel large in the faction,

if it's about eating then you must be starved for the action,

easy to depart from the math kid,

i'ma hit your house and tell your mom how you're acting,

you see i've grown older so i'm calm with the passion,

but i'm laughing when i hear all this gun play while y'all are not blastin....


I hate psuedo thugs, i'm sorry I can't stand them. I'm not at all saying it's wrong to be a 'thug', just saying if you're not properly equipped to be one leave it for those who are. I love seeing people I grew up with this altered persona about them. It's okay to be yourself these days, isn't it? Everybody wants to be the hardest goon on the block, or sell the most weed or hold the most weight, and flex as if they're going to take on the world everytime they have an altercation. That's cool if that's who you really are, but when you're not that's when you get your card pulled.

If you played on a soccer team with me, and your mom used to bring us orange halves for halftime and I see you ice grilling everyone in the spot, i'm going to laugh at you....

If you went to private school your entire life, and your parents are independently wealthy why are you trying to hang out on the bad side of town, buy a gold grill, and act like you're going to be the biggest pusher in your city? That's not who you are....

And lastly, if you switch sets every other week, befriend people who are supposed to be your sworn enemies, or put everything you claim you're going to do on your set but you never do it. That is not 'Gangster', and it definitely doesn't make you a thug.

Work Is For Jerks

Got back to work today, pretty weird to try to get back into the swing of things in the middle of the week. I like most people dislike my job, i don't hate it but i seem to tolerate it's existence every day for 8 hours. I'ma pretty positive person most of the time, but my job has been sucking the life out of me lately. I can't really tell if it's because i'm letting it, or if it's because i'm finally realizing how much time i'm wasting being there. There's already not enough time in the day, i'd rather not wither my existence away standing around. I catch myself often standing on the sales floor waiting for customers to come up to me with one of the same three questions they always have. And in those moments i think to myself, "Man I wish i was recording right now" or "I could be out just sitting on my front porch enjoying the weather and be having more fun than this."

"No, I'm sorry we do carry the WII, but we don't have it right now."

"Yes none of the 4,000 DVD's you own will play on a Blu-Ray Player, your entire collection is useless if you buy one."

"Yes, i'm sure they have it at Nebraska Furniture Mart."

That's pretty much a breakdown of my week, only repeat that segment about 100 times, every day. I guess I shouldn't complain much I do have a cushy job that allows me to get paid for doing absolutely nothing most days. I just need something to break the monotony sometimes.

I think that i'm addicted to smoking Black and Mild's. I've been smoking them on and off since i was about 17, and for whatever reason these last couple months i've been relying on them for some form of comfort. I think it's completely psychological, but i had a headache today of the pounding throbbing variety. Went out on my lunch break, smoked a Black, presto the headache was gone. Went to play basketball the other day, and after the first game i felt like i had just smoked an entire carton of cigarettes. It wasn't a good look at all. i'm only 25, and i feel really out of shape, and i mean really. it's been 4 years since my college football days, and although i've been active in spurts i definitely haven't been recently and boy is it catching up to me. i think i need to rededicate myself to some weekly workouts again before i slip away. Bc i'm not getting any younger, trust me.

So this week there's entirely too much going on in the local scene for me to be able to handle. My man Hozey-T (www.myspace.com/hozeywho) has his birthday bash tomorrow night at Club Rain. I know it's gonna be extra extra cramped in there, if you've ever been to that spot you know what i mean. Then, Friday my homeys Reach, Approach, Deep Thinkers, and i think the Bluez Brothaz are rocking The Brick. It's always a pleasure to see polished emcees on stage doing their thing. Shout out to Approach for just coming off tour w/ Mac Lethal. In between all of that i still desperately need to get into the studio to finish my mixtape finally. I vowed that i would chill for this month barring gas prices, but they're not making it easy on me at all. We'll see how strongly temptation yields its' hold on me.