Holding My Head To The Sky....

Been awhile since I posted any thoughts, mainly because life has taken me away. Alot of things that were regular in my life have changed, and alot of the previous things have remained the same. I've made some bad choices and have had to face the consequences of my actions. It's been a very humbling last couple of weeks for me. God has a purpose for everything that happens, at least that's what i believe although I hardly ever understand the path he's marked for me. 'Mysterious ways' has turned into a cliche' for me as I sit somewhat dumbfounded by what lessons I'm supposed to be learning currently. Even in the hard times though I still have my people to hold me down. I'm glad that through my self-induced tribulations that those that have been a constant in my life these last couple of years remain. I've burned bridges with those I hold close though, mostly out of weakness. Every morning the sun rises, but every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror. Some mornings I recognize who the mirror reflects, but there's mornings where I blink twice at the person I've become. Life is funny so I keep my sense of humor, but I cry inside at where I have arrived at in my life currently. I am a survivor, at least so far I've made it through all of the storms I've faced. Even with the strength I carry inside of me I still have doubts about weathering these dark clouds covering my existence. I have loved and lost so many times that it makes me think that I'm not meant to keep it in my life. I ruin myself trying to hold so tightly to who I love, that when I'm left with nothing and no one I struggle to handle the patchwork for my soul. Have you ever loved someone too much? It doesn't seem possible, but I've seen it first hand. I long to be loved, but at the same time I become complacent. It's the gift and the curse coming right back on me I guess. My eyes are focused on the furthest road now. Because I know that all of this stress and heartache I've placed on myself will never consciously be erased, so the only move for me is forward. And the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, in fact it's more of a flicker in a steep wind. I push towards words and they tend to come in a flurry with me. With each verse though I still feel the emptiness deep inside of me. I wonder if I ever will recover enough to fill a portion of what is missing from me right now. I'm cynical and optimistic at the same time by nature. While one half of me wants to shut down all hope, the other half of me wakes up at dawn passing out inspiration. Am I really doomed? I think that with time all will be healed, but I also know that all that I have done and been through will never be taken back. There's no way to hop into the Delorean and make my past different. I am not by any margin Marty McFly, there's no floating skateboard in my repetoire. Just these feet to continue marching through these quiet streets....