Life is Funny Like This....

It's so weird to me how people have come in and out of my life. Even the one's I've pushed away or had to push away have made their ways back. Lately I've been feeling like I'm back on the same path I was a couple years ago. This full circle pattern is pretty confusing to figure out, but it also is settling. I remember being so focused and hungry for life, and becoming the person that I wanted to be. It seems along the road that I chose I lost myself for a time. I couldn't say why, my fate I think took me on a curve when I should've stayed on the road directly ahead of me. I've been stressed out, mostly brought on by my own bad decisions. But, I've also been pretty bored with my life. I've gotten into this monotonous routine and had my energy sucked by my 9 to 5 grind. It feels like there's no escaping what I've been facing with every day that comes. I'm looking for something new and exciting to help me climb out of this hole that I'm in. But, everything that I include myself in seems to not fill whatever it is that's missing inside of me. I'm not sure where I need to go, or what I need to. I've been lying low for quite awhile, not really even being in contact with those closest to me. I shut alot of people off simply because I don't want to pass my negativity onto anyone else. So, I've been bottling up all of the emotions I have inside of me. Hoping that eventually they will subside on their own with time. I might not ever feel the same again though, and it's just the reality of what I've been through. I've been thinking about the past from time to time wishing I could apologize for all the people that I hurt or brought unnecessary drama upon. I've done so much dirt my cuticles still hold the particles. And I know there's no way to erase any of my actions, so I have to let the past be what it is. It's a struggle for me to move past what I can never forget. It keeps me up at night wondering where I went wrong within myself. I haven't come to any definitive answers, and I don't know that I will. It's a balancing act, this life that I have lead. On one side is the love that I have now, and the love that I had or thought I had before. I can't decide if my heart lead me astray, or if in fact I chose correctly and in the end ruined what was best for me all along. Where does love go when you lose it? I tend to think that I have kept it stored away, but my heart still feels empty without it. I realized that I'm the type of person that needs to love someone, no matter the type of love. Which is funny to me, because I'm not in the grand scheme of things really that great at it. My last 2 relationships were to me as real a love as I thought I could find. But after a certain point I lost both of them, and yet I still hold onto both of them. Not necessarily the relationships themselves, but how I felt when I was in the relationships. Love escapes me, it slips out in the middle of the night without a note left. I crumble without it in my grasp, and dive into worlds that I never belonged in. I have and have created so many vices when I've been trying to distract myself from love lost. I wonder why God has such a sense of humor. Seems like I'm the butt of all his jokes.....

Holding My Head To The Sky....

Been awhile since I posted any thoughts, mainly because life has taken me away. Alot of things that were regular in my life have changed, and alot of the previous things have remained the same. I've made some bad choices and have had to face the consequences of my actions. It's been a very humbling last couple of weeks for me. God has a purpose for everything that happens, at least that's what i believe although I hardly ever understand the path he's marked for me. 'Mysterious ways' has turned into a cliche' for me as I sit somewhat dumbfounded by what lessons I'm supposed to be learning currently. Even in the hard times though I still have my people to hold me down. I'm glad that through my self-induced tribulations that those that have been a constant in my life these last couple of years remain. I've burned bridges with those I hold close though, mostly out of weakness. Every morning the sun rises, but every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror. Some mornings I recognize who the mirror reflects, but there's mornings where I blink twice at the person I've become. Life is funny so I keep my sense of humor, but I cry inside at where I have arrived at in my life currently. I am a survivor, at least so far I've made it through all of the storms I've faced. Even with the strength I carry inside of me I still have doubts about weathering these dark clouds covering my existence. I have loved and lost so many times that it makes me think that I'm not meant to keep it in my life. I ruin myself trying to hold so tightly to who I love, that when I'm left with nothing and no one I struggle to handle the patchwork for my soul. Have you ever loved someone too much? It doesn't seem possible, but I've seen it first hand. I long to be loved, but at the same time I become complacent. It's the gift and the curse coming right back on me I guess. My eyes are focused on the furthest road now. Because I know that all of this stress and heartache I've placed on myself will never consciously be erased, so the only move for me is forward. And the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, in fact it's more of a flicker in a steep wind. I push towards words and they tend to come in a flurry with me. With each verse though I still feel the emptiness deep inside of me. I wonder if I ever will recover enough to fill a portion of what is missing from me right now. I'm cynical and optimistic at the same time by nature. While one half of me wants to shut down all hope, the other half of me wakes up at dawn passing out inspiration. Am I really doomed? I think that with time all will be healed, but I also know that all that I have done and been through will never be taken back. There's no way to hop into the Delorean and make my past different. I am not by any margin Marty McFly, there's no floating skateboard in my repetoire. Just these feet to continue marching through these quiet streets....